


I Don't Know How I Feel About You Now

by bcnhlls



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up, Stiles can sew, Vignettes, embroidery patterns, vague mention of stiles/omc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 03:15:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3880150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bcnhlls/pseuds/bcnhlls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You're reckless,” said Derek, “Look at what you’ve done, you idiot.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Know How I Feel About You Now

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on Lindsay Bottos's ["I Don't Really Miss You" (2012)](http://dylanimcryin.tumblr.com/post/41052679793/tiredtalk-i-dont-really-miss-you-lindsay). It's a really interesting set of photos and it really pulled at my heart strings, brah. I wrote this two years ago and I picked it back up, when I revisited my old blog.
> 
> I want to reiterate the fact that this is a SERIES OF VIGNETTES and you can see this as bits and pieces of fic relating to the IMAGES that are linked in the bold links or in the actual photo set itself. This may have confused some people in the past and I understand.
> 
> Links to specific photos are imbedded within the bracketed words so you can see which photo I'm specifically referring to. Hope you enjoy this!!! <3
> 
> (FOR SPECIFIC TAG ABOUT SOME REFERENCE TO SUICIDE, PLEASE SEE END NOTES, I DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER ANY BODY IN ANY SORT OF WAY PLEASE.)

The first time he picked up an embroidery hoop was in his home-ec class. He chose a simple pattern, a small Wolfsbane flower, because it was just a beginner’s lesson that day, and he didn’t want to make it any harder for himself. He carefully chose reds and purples, and some light browns, and by the end of class, he had himself a nice, and usable handkerchief. He left it at his mother’s grave, perched on top of a bouquet that he bought her, because it seemed fitting. 

“Protection,” he said, “It’s– the wolves? Yeah… them.”

From then on, embroidery became a habit. Everyone noticed his new hobby, but they didn’t say anything. Scott just smiled at him, and Allison would thank him for the new handkerchief, every time he made her one. 

_“It’s a rose,” he said to her, “Like.. Scott would always preach on and on about Shakespeare, and roses and.. you. So I thought, well shit a rose!”_

It became an escape for him on bad days, and something that relaxed him on good days. It became just another part of Stiles, until one day, it became something else.

 

 

[“[ **I don’t know how I feel about you now.**](http://40.media.tumblr.com/780b470dd0fcb82f5173508b0e91c4d7/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o1_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

It was just a simple photograph. Him in Derek’s car with Isaac. It’s faceless, but he thinks it’s brilliant. Isaac was the one who took it, and Stiles had printed it out to stick on his wall. It struck him one day, while listening to Wonderwall. He grabbed the photo and slapped it on the fabric and began to sew. He smiled to himself while thinking about that day. The three of them were just out and about, going on like regular kids, and Derek, out for a drive and just listening to music in the car. Stiles felt free that day, in that care with Derek and Isaac. Thinking back on it now, so was Isaac. He looked brighter, in the backseat with his camera in his hands, and it suited him. When he finished, he shook his head laughed to himself. 

“How fucking accurate,” He thought to himself, “Fuckin’ Derek.”

 

 

[“[ **I think that the things you create are magnificent. I wonder if you’ve kept the things I made for you.**](http://41.media.tumblr.com/944bb73e7e61482869e22b3e3684a7db/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o2_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

It’s a picture of a tunnel this time, with Erica smack dab in the middle. It was taken by Derek, who had stolen the camera from Isaac, who at that time was piggy backed on Boyd, with Stiles and Scott running after them, on a bonding trip set up by Derek himself.

Stiles printed out the photo and planned to put it on his corkboard along with all the photos the pack had taken, but he changed his mind once he saw his torn blue shirt. It tore on that same day, when Stile’s clumsiness called upon him, and tripped him on one of the track rails. Derek had caught him right before he fell, but his claws had come out and dug into his shirt and tore it. He smiled at the image of Derek blushing holding a piece of Stile’s shirt, and handing it back to him.

_“You're reckless,” said Derek, “Look at what you’ve done, you idiot.”_

He sat down on his bed and pulled out an embroidery hoop from one of the drawers beside his bed, and sewed for a straight hour with memories of that day in his head.

_“Hand me those sandwiches,” said Derek._

_“Wait did you make these?”_

_“No Stiles, I stole them.”_

_“What?"_

_"I made them, with my bare hands.”_

_“You mean wolf hands?”_

_“Shut up.”_

 

 

[“[ **A friendship (?) bracelet**](http://41.media.tumblr.com/b532c17c5e4d064b7c350f80c20ca1df/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o3_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

It’s ridiculous. Derek won’t wear it. So he sewed it on a shirt stolen from Derek’s closet. It’s stupid because… are they even friends? Which is why Stiles constantly said friendship bracelet", with an emphasis on the confusion with their status as friends. He angrily sewed it on with Scott on skype, who just nodded at whatever he said. Scott’s a great friend like that, accepting of douchebag alphas, and odd sewing habits.

_“So he won’t wear it?”_

_“No, cause he’s a dick!”_

_“He said no?”_

_“Well.. uh”_

_“Did you even give it to him?”_

_“Well..”_

_“Stiles.”_

_“I take it back.”_

_“What?”_

_“You’re not a great friend.”_

 

 

[“[ **I’ve listened to the CD you made me, over and over so many times.**](http://40.media.tumblr.com/4af6fecfcebae7233b5343b32cd8ba22/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o4_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

It’s funny.

Derek is funny.

He’s also witty, and gorgeous, and smart, and his boyfriend.

It’s not such a drastic change that Derek has suddenly become a pod person of perfection, but it’s just this slight tilt that they’ve been working on since the Alpha pack picked up and left. They all found out that Derek had great humour, was pretty good in History, and wanted to major in Biology.

_“That’s not real science Derek."_

_"This isn’t real meat Stiles.”_

_“Shut up Heathen.”_

Derek is a great person all in all, and the best part of it was that Stiles was the first person to notice all of it, and helped bring it out of Derek.

_“It’s like coaxing a tiger out of the stadiums.”_

_“A Lion.”_

_“What?”_

_“Lion.”_

_“No it’s the truth!”_

An even great part of this was that in the course of all these events, Derek and Stiles became DerekandStiles, and then DerekStiles. Stiles smiled as he shoved the CD into his laptop and played all the songs on it repeatedly, and most likely will until the end of time.

This time Stiles wrote a list on college ruled paper, and listed all the songs on the CD titled “Stiles”. After initially finding out that Derek’s favourite colour wasn’t actually “Shut up Stiles” but light blue, he decided that this one would be on a square patch of smooth jersey cotton in light blue. He went through the entire playlist twice while sewing, and singing to himself under his breath. Once he was finished, he turned to place it in on his sidetable but found Derek sleeping with his faced planted on Stiles’s side of the bed.

_“I’m left”_

_“No, you’re right.”_

_“I’m always right, I’m left!”_

_“Derek.”_

_“Stiles.”_

_“Fine!”_

He climbed in right next to Derek and looped both of his arms around Derek’s waist, even though it’d be uncomfortable in the morning.

 

 

[“[ **A rock**](http://40.media.tumblr.com/04a3c5636a427d724ea428411b6b36e0/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o5_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

Derek once threw it at his window. He picked it up, and tossed it back. It was from their first fight. It was something stupid and petty about staying behind, and removing himself from the pack to keep him safe, but they were both completely riled up and hot and burning and aching, that they had to just fight it out. There was yelling, and there were growling packmates, and windows broken. In the end, Derek showed up at his front door with some more rocks. He pulled Stiles out to the front yard and pointed at his car, mumbling about rocks and paying for his bedroom window. They both sat on the concrete right next to Stiles’s jeep and threw rocks at Derek’s Camaro, and moved up to Stiles’s room to listen to the same CD Derek gave Stiles four months prior to that day, with Stiles sitting up by the headboard with Derek’s head in his lap. He sewed it on the last piece of light blue fabric while Derek dozed on, then threw it in his sidetable and rearranged himself and Derek into straight lines and held Derek as close as he could.

 

 

[“[ **That summer was one of the best of my life.**](http://40.media.tumblr.com/32f8e81b4865d869687d17edf43b9c10/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o6_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

It was a photo of Scott on the river next to Derek’s (the pack’s) Mansion. He’s in his shorts, smiling and generally puppy-ing it up. Another get together planned by Derek, and this time with the help of Lydia, who came along with Jackson. It was the best summer he’s had in a long time, since his mother died.

_“I don’t like to talk about it,” he said, “It’s like this fucking ache in my chest that won’t leave.”_

_“Do you want it to?”_

_“No,” he grumbled, “Because if it does, then she will too."_

_"Okay.”_

_“Okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

Even his father and Scott’s mother were there. They both have since accepted the pack as an extended family, and have welcomed them into their homes with open arms. It’s nice because they can help figure out how to explain maulings, and disappearances, and twist them into animal attacks and runaways, and they have their own nurse. It’s even better because they don’t have to lie anymore, and that’s always good. He doesn’t know why he chose this photo, but he thinks maybe it’s because Scott has been one of the constants in his life, come winter, spring, summer or fall. The line sewn into the fabric isn’t for Scott though. It isn’t even for Derek either. It’s for everyone there, but he sews it in with red thread and a piece of his flower patterened swim shorts just cause.

 

 

[“[ **I’m really sorry.**](http://41.media.tumblr.com/f437bee47279fea00f89903fdb3bcec6/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o7_1280.jpg)”]

 

  
It’s a photo of Trevor from AP Physics with his back turned. He sewed it into the fabric three days after his anniversary with Derek. Derek and Stiles broke up three months ago, but it still hurts. He’s pack, yes. He’s important, yes. He’s Stiles, yes. He’s all of those things, but he’s incomplete. He gave the handkerchief to Trevor, but Trevor threw it right back. He yelled about that stupid guy with the fucking brown hair, and the fucking green eyes, and he yelled about knowing, and maybe if Stiles could think about it more, maybe they’d get better at this. Stiles shook his head, picked up the handkerchief and dusted it off. He walked up to Trevor and wiped his tears away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “Yeah,” said Trevor, “Me too.” and walked away.

 

 

[“[ **I found you to be exceptionally smart and interesting. I miss talking to you.**](http://40.media.tumblr.com/61ea047061c3512e96f5e35e30b44553/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o8_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

This one was for Lydia. She moved away four months after the photo of Scott was taken and sewn. She hasn’t spoken to anybody, even though she left on good terms. It's odd because Lydia and Stiles had formed a friendship, then an alliance, then a brother/sisterhood. He sent it to her three days later, and got another one in return. It’s an expensive handkerchief with his name sewn into it, albeit amateurly, in red. He held it close to himself that night and smiled as he slept. He woke up that morning and typed in “Lydia Martin” onto skype, and spent 4 hours talking to Lydia about life, and the pack, and Derek.

_“He’s dumb.”_

_“I’m stupid.”_

_“Well you’re both idiots.”_

 

 

[“[ **There’s a million things I wish I had done differently and I play them over and over in my mind.**](http://41.media.tumblr.com/45551c25cb410f21cdf0a33ffae1bedb/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o9_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

It stayed in his closet, because he couldn’t finish it. He couldn’t see it through his tears, and he couldn’t stop poking his fingers and bleeding all over the stupid thing. He went back to that rail road track where Derek took that photograph of Erica, but turned his car around, three minutes into the trip. He went to a different station, and laid himself on the tracks. It was an empty place but he pondered what he would do when he heard the sound of a train chugging, and hooting. Would Derek come? Would anyone come? He got up and sat off the side of the tracks and took photos. He sent them all to Isaac, and a few to Erica. 

 

 **From Isaac** :  
You ok?

 **To Isaac** :  
Fuckin hurts

 **From Isaac** :  
i’ll come get u

 

He took more photos before Isaac came trodding in. It was only a few miles from Beacon Hills, and Isaac ran out to him. He grabbed Stiles’s keys and pulled Stiles up with him. They drove to the preserve several miles into Derek’s Land, and stayed there for a while.

 

_“Derek is..”_

_“Better?”_

_“I think so.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Why were you on the tracks?”_

_“I thought I’d die today, just for kicks.”_

_“I’d hate you for that.”_

_“I know.”_

 

 

 

[“[ **I wish we could try again.**](http://41.media.tumblr.com/079ac6255a33692592fa0f7997ca4ed6/tumblr_mgsmlhj2ty1qapcf6o10_1280.jpg)”]

 

 

 

It’s not his. It’s Derek’s. It’s in a small embroidery hoop, with a guitar pick sewn into it. It’s perched on a large leather case with a guitar and a note written in very familiar handwriting in it.

_“It’s not for you. It’s for me. I learned all of the music on that CD. When we’re ready, I’ll play them all for you. I’ll sing them all for you if you want. I’ll sing it for you, as long as you want me to. I know I love you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Reference to suicide, when Stiles mentions that the reason he was on the train tracks was because he thought he'd die today, it is said in a 'joking' manner, but could still be triggery. Please read the section with some caution, if you want to skip that section, it is the one titled "There's a million things I wish I had done differently and I play them over and over again" and ends at "I wish we could try again". Hope that helps in some way. I triggered myself re-reading this section, after not seeing it for two years and I don't want that to happen to anyone.
> 
> You've made it! Thank you so much for reading! You're so great and good to me!
> 
> Kudos are appreciated, as are good vibes sent via magical wavelengths. :*


End file.
